I watched the sun cook the corpse before me as I sat drooling all over myself. Another human, another delicious meal.
For whatever reason, these strange human creatures kept coming here in flying machines wearing white suits. They trotted all over my beautiful yard and sometimes even had the audacity to take some of my yard and put it in a little container to take with them. That’s what this one tried doing. I spotted him near the sand beds surrounding my favorite rock before I tore his white suit off and watched his eyeballs pop out and his bones turn to mush. The sweet mush which give the tendons a little spice to my meals on Mars.
And now here I sit watching my meal prepare itself for consumption. I wish he’d hurry up and cook already. I knew there were other hungry creatures around that wouldn’t hesitate to steal my meal.
And as if the Great Sky God read my thoughts, the human was ready for my tummy.
I was halfway through his bowels when I heard shouting nearby.
“Get off him!”
“What the hell are you doing?”
I looked over my shoulder at two other white suited blockheads bounding towards me.
“Fuck off!” I said.
“Please?” I begged.
“No! Oh my god.. Oh my god… David, are you seeing what I’m seeing?”
“I think so,” the other one said.
I turned around to face them as they studied me closely. What’re they gunna do, put me in one of their test tubes? Better not. I’ll eat them. Hell, I’m going to eat them anyways.
“What’re you two staring at, huh? Never seen a martian before?” I said.
I was losing my patience. “Spit it out!”
“You’re Carl Sagan!”
How did they know my name? Too much talking, time to pop their eyeballs out.
The two humans looked at each other then back at me. Just then, another white suit came barreling around the corner in some motorized scooter.
The scooter parked next to me and its rider looked me up and down.
“Carl?” it said in a strange tone. “It’s me, Stephen, Stephen Hawking. Class of ’49, remember?”
I tore his white suit off and ate his face. The other two humans ran but I caught up with them and ate their faces as well.
I remembered. But Stephen was such a dork, I had to eat him.
Life on Mars has been a lot more fun than I expected. Hope to get more visits from humans soon.
-From a torn page of Carl Sagan’s Journal circa 1972